Flashing Flesh

Statement about the series:

About my Self Portraits:

The "Primal Series", of a woman, me, not in her teens or even her 20's, is something that addresses issues important to a lot of women. Am I sexy? Am I pretty? Am I confident in who I am? Am I free to explore ideas, once hidden? So many questions answered for my own self and hopefully for other women of any age.

I am not going to disappear just because I am not in my 20's or 30's or 40's.. wow. That is the way it has felt at times. Strange.

Mental notes of understanding who we are under the veil of who we hoped we would be as women or who we think we lost, are embraced by me within the cloak of all women.

Exploring that sexual side; embracing my own desires and trying to not just understand them but find out what they are! So many feeling for various reasons are pushed down and made incidental because society has claimed they should feel uncomfortable.

Finding any sense of rawness seems crazy past 40. But why? That is what I think I am finally concluding. As a lot of women get older they tend to feel themselves disappear. I am one. I see though through this whole series that I am working on, digging inside myself to find that essence of sexiness that is woman; hearing tiny cries from those emotions hid from my own self and letting them see the light of day is luscious! Its not about being defined by others as being sexy, letting others decide my fate in how I feel about myself.. its about ME accepting who I really am and having the confidence to bring it all out on canvas. To not only see it but embrace and shine in it.

I want reach deeper and find all the things about my own sexuality that have always been mine to know. I want to understand the passion I long to paint and comprehend what those emotions are.

Passion has a sense of violence about it, it is strong and it survives aggression. I don't want to paint passive art.. I want feel the obsession of lust inside its raw and primal pursuit. Within passion one finds a boldness full of enticing ambitions to grasp on to, that piece of your heart that presses you to go past the mark of a bystander, that spot you may have been told to stay put on.

It is not possible to feel apathetic when standing next to passion. I don't paint landscapes to hang above someone's couch, paintings meant to be a resting place for the mind? I want to paint feelings that one cannot dismiss. I hope to stir up feelings that overwhelm within the viewer as well as myself. It is not my goal to feel nothing but a sunny day or peacefulness, shiny trinkets that rest on walls that can be walked away from. I want to paint women who feel something. I paint myself as I define it and revel in the fact that I am made whole by my own journey of introspection.

I want to paint strength, sexuality, pain, power, a force of intensity, emotional qualities that generate a reaction. I don't want to paint the sky, I want to paint the dominance of the wind that caused it to be felt on ones skin, in the form of a woman. I pick up my brush or clay between my fingers and consider a certain belligerence, an attitude of confidence that meets the power I need to form an energy outside myself and I welcome it in. I paint or sculpt until I hear them breathing and their breath becomes my own.

I paint myself as I try to define the energy that is indeed my own sexuality but also all women whether they accept that part of themselves or not.



Kathy Ostman-Magnusen
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"Flight" 24x48 oil on canvas

"I am Unique"

I am grateful today.
I feel this day with soft eyes.
I smile at everyone I see.
There are people who can barely walk.
There are people who cannot see at all.
For me
on this day the landscape goes on forever.

People in their cars
everyone seems to know where they are going
I lost track
but I am still writing lists.

I take my sketchbook everywhere I go
one never knows
I might catch a touch of blue
or green against the soil.

I see sprinkles of laughter
from creatures I invent inside my head.
High tea served at midnight
thank you very much.
How generous of the flowers to include me.

There are signs pointing out directions
this way and that.
This way will bring you home
or that way will take you further away
if you need to run.

Well meaning people often displaced.
I am yet grateful.
My appointments bring me hope.
I am not just another flower in the garden.

I hold out my hands
see that I am different from any other.
There are people who have decided
I am worth it.
So I think maybe
despite my own declarations
and objections
that creep in from time to time
I am grateful for this soul
that is my own.

I think of all the days that I stood still
lonely
all those days that I invited sad.
all those days of my not noticing my living
wishing I was not here at all
and thinking how long?

I am grateful now.
I have grown past only feeling regret.

While I know those feelings will return
from time to time
I know happy a little better
and it is saving me.

I am less harsh on myself now
not demanding answers
or positive outcomes only.
I am in touch more in the moment
and it is safe.
Creating within
and without
finding beauty in the simple
accepting each day as it comes.
Not holding anyone to their word
we all need room for excuses.
I allow for mine.
I guess I am focusing more on possibility.
It feels like a day I can finally breathe in.
I am grateful.

by Kathy Ostman-Magnusen